LA, we need to talk

Dear Los Angeles,

It’s come to my attention that you’re full of freaks and weirdos. While good for the entertainment business and tourism, it’s kinda crappy for my love life. I’m just trying to meet a guy that’s smart, funny and cute. With a job, but without a wife. And no history of mental illness.

I know you’re a big city with lots of other shit to take care of, but you’ve gotta have just one great guy for me.

Here are some of the craziest things I’ve heard on first dates:

• My divorce isn’t final, but it’s ok I’ve been dating for years.

• Ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder?

• I’ve had 100 dates, two women a week, for the last year.

• I bet you look great in only panties and an apron.

• My last relationship was 4 weeks long.

• No one ever wants a second date with me.

• My daughter’s hoping I’ll get back together with my second wife.

• I was married for 20 years, but the last 10 were miserable.

• My ex-wife lives downstairs.

Hilarious yes, but I’m just not licensed for this kind of thing. And you’re LA, there’s got to be something you can do.

I’d really appreciate your attention to this matter. Thank you in advance.

Sincerely, What did I ever do to you?