Once you see something you like enough to spend your money on, you quickly make an offer over asking price. It’s nuts actually. There’s no time to even think about it.

The competition is fierce in LA, and I’m supposedly a qualified buyer. Not qualified enough that I have all cash, like some freaks do. Though I’ve been saving for years, have 20% down and good credit. But houses here are going fast and for so far over the asking price, you’ve gotta be ready to spend big the minute you see the house. I just got outbid by 60k. On a tiny 400k house. I offered over asking, but someone else wanted it way more than I did, and offered 480k. That’s extreme, but it happens.

I remember a friend telling me they finally got the 7th house they tried for, only because another buyer backed out. At the time I thought that sounded pitiful. The purchase of a lifetime, so randomly happening. How can you possibly like 7 houses enough to buy I wondered.

Six months later, I’ve loved 3 houses and been overbid each time so I sorta get it. Each place was perfect at the time. Each over-bidder, just another asshole with more money than me.

Sucked in by the groovy kitchen and yard, to a part of town I am so unfamiliar with, it felt like it was meant to be in some crazy way so I made an offer. The house was old and quirky, but updated and charming too. So charming in fact, there were 5 other offers. I loved that damn place, but not 20 or 30k above-asking-price-love.

So I tried to to focus on the negatives to help myself feel better about walking away.

It’s hot out there in the summer. None of my friends are nearby. It’s quiet, but maybe too quiet. I wanted modern or Spanish. Do those ugly tractors have to park right next door? The tiny garage wouldn’t fit my small car. The tiny bedroom, barely enough room for my bed and bedside table. But the worst and most hideous of all, I would always be on high alert for snakes.

It’s a serious fear with me. I can’t even see them in magazines or on tv without flipping out. So it’s back to the city for me, for snake-free living.

As I compare neighborhoods and house prices it all becomes clear, when it’s cheap there’s a reason. And it probably involved a bad man and a gun.

Guess I’ve had it made in Santa Monica all this time and I didn’t even realize it. I’ve accidentally left my key in the door when I come in, see it outside the next day and laugh. My raggedy screen door from 1927 never had a lock and I didn’t really think about it. Now as I home shop, not in SM, I actually say “but it’s only a couple of car thefts.” What I’m staying away from are the murders and home break-ins.

Saw this remodeled house in my price range today. I looked up the details to find the investor paid 200k for it 3 months ago. He did a semi-nice job and is now selling for 350k. I’m into buying something not this finished, but it is sorta appealing.

The realtor kept telling me how the investor/flipper/demon didn’t cut corners. But um, he did put in laminate instead of hardwood and left all the creepy popcorn ceilings. Then we get to the bathroom, his “signature” she proudly tells me.

After I politely vomit into my purse, she actually tells me “fixing this house up is his way of giving back.” Yeah right crazy lady! Not sure even she believed it.

Or just buy the next place I see and get it over with. It reminds me of finding the place I live in now, every weekend started with high hopes, and by sunday afternoon I was sure I’d never find anything. It went on for months, your typical naivete meets LA tragic. It did work out well, oh except the man who rented me the place just died.

The photos of the houses look ok, not too hideous. Then I get there, to the street I can afford and it’s crack house hellish. Sort of like arriving on a blind date all hopeful, only to wonder “what did I ever do to her?” I’m usually not a giver-upper, but it is exhausting. From excited to ick, all in the same day. And no, I won’t think about a condo, so don’t even go there. But if you’re lucky I’ll invite you over to the dump, after I fix it up of course.

My very first Christmas card was from the sweet woman who runs my dry cleaners. Then the lady at the library overlooked my $2 fine. My neighbor gave me a jar of homemade jam for bringing in her mail while she was out of town. The flower guy at the farmers market is happy to see me. Hey wait a minute, maybe people are just nicer around the holidays?

And just like out in the country, we have wildlife. A possum was on my porch eating my neighbors trash last night. So disgusting. And kinda hillbilly for Santa Monica.

Ok so LA is still just big and dirty. But easier to love at the holidays.

My original agent named “Maple” has already stopped emailing me back. Turns out, there are tons of buyers right now and multiple offers on almost everything.

So I’m on agent #2 and hoping for the best. The minute something new pops up you have to see it and be ready to make an offer. I’ve seen plenty of HGTV but what the hell do I know? And this is serious. How can I commit quick AND get friends help that have offered. “Hello friend, you have 5 minutes to get over here and give me your opinion cause I wanna spend lots of money.”

And thanks, but advising me to stay in my great rent controlled place in Santa Monica doesn’t count as actual advice.

He’s there every weekend now, arriving friday with backpack in tow and not leaving until monday. I know. Our apartments are tiny and very old. Or charming and cozy, depending which story I’m telling.

This guy’s a loud talker and I’m already bored with his lectures. Apparently he knows everything about music and thinks I wanna know too. We both have all our doors and windows open and I used to love that. But as they journey from cd to cd, whether I want to or not, I hear music plus every stupid thing he tells her. Imagine sharing a house, or having a roommate that you never even wanted. The days of loving my quaint little place are over, until they are.

I was desperate, it was the only thing on so I watched, a jungle full of snakes, spiders and crazy. Still not sure why stupid Heidi & Spencer (Speidi) are so well known, but their comments are scandalous. And totally worth watching. Spencer actually said “We are Brad and Angelina Famous” and then “We are too rich and too famous to be here.” Heidi is no smarty, but even she had to embarrassed by his big mouth.

Janice Dickinson seemed like she would be the queen of insanity, but she’s sorta been out crazied by Speidi. They actually prayed like born agains, then blamed the devil for making them leave. For 3 days now they’ve left in a huff, only to come back the next day all sorry and shit. The show is supposedly live. So maybe they realize how obnoxious they were, or someone shows them footage, and they come back to apologize and seem normal for 5 minutes.

I’m sorry everyone. That I live in a city that created those 2 nuts and such a crappy but sorta hilarious show.

Their 15 minutes is way expired, someone please dismiss these fame whores.

Next week I can tell you all the shit I hate about living here, but today let’s go with the good stuff.

Tourists are all over and I want to scream “HEY I get to live here all the time.” The incline there, that goes down to the beach and out to MALIBU. Yes. I live a mile from the beach and this is my little neighborhood. I show her the crazy Santa Monica Stairs where it’s celebs and sluts galore. It’s just another weird LA workout when you think about it, but the ocean view up top is so worth the hassle. P.S. Owen Wilson and Amber Veletta look hot even when sweaty.

I get busy and take things for granted. But this place, holy shit. How did I get so lucky to land here, find a great apartment, a career and good friends. I know compared to the movers and shakers in this city…my life may be small, but it’s all mine. I really am living exactly where I want to be. It’s the life I wanted, but just never knew about. How surprised my ex-husband would be.