Lessons from ex's

Especially if he’s gone all puffy.

Saw Oprah last week with the abused woman who shot her husband 11 times. And I thought “hmmm whatever happened to my jackass ex?” So I found him online, all 200 pounds of him, but oops he’s only 5′7″. And hasn’t aged well, he looks way older than our 8-year age difference. Girls really used to dig him. Wow, how times have changed.

We haven’t been in touch for 14 years, since I left Austin. And I won’t contact him now, cause I love that he has no idea where I am. But I was sorta tempted, cause I think I look good for 40-something. But more importantly, I have a good life, one that I like. I know, I know it’s not a competition, but if it was I want to win. It sure made me feel even more grateful for how my life has turned out. Seems like it was all so long ago, me married to someone all wrong for me and very unhappy. Who was that dumb-ass girl married to the mean cheating asshole??

He’s still in the hotel business and moves around. Probably as he bangs his way through the girls in each city. New Jersey, Oklahoma City, Fort Worth, all the big glam-hotels. I have not missed a thing. Ugg. and Ick.

Oh how I would love to show y’all his fat face, but that would just be mean.

But thanks for asking. I’ve already done the last minute wedding at age 20. Then an icky five years later there was the anti-climactic divorce. He cried, mostly over his girlfriend leaving him not me. Turns out she only wanted him when he was off limits. I met her once, she seemed nice. Not at all the slutty-slut I imagined.

What the hell was I thinking? I was practically a baby at that age, no way ready or able to commit to a loving partnership. How can you choose at 20 who you will be, much less who you will want to be with?

My mother wanted to save the dress. It was 30$ and came from Casual Corner, remember those? The name says it all. I went into the marriage casually and then felt cornered. “Hey wanna get married this weekend” was how it all started.

Looking back, I see that getting over that mess means I can survive anything. I left with nothing but my dog and cat and moved back home for a year. A proud moment for any parent. (Thank you Mom!)

The ex and I stayed friends and kept in touch for years, we even took a vacation together after we decided it was really over. Totally weird I know. Then I left Austin and moved here to LA, with no forwarding information. If you happen to know a short guy with an accent, driving an overpriced sports car, don’t tell him where I am.