Just an idea

After all the gifts are unwrapped and re-gifted, feel free to pick out what you really want. You deserve it…or maybe you don’t, I don’t know you well enough to say.

Here are a few of my favorite things. And some I just had to share:

Finally, a vibrator I can take anywhere. Now it’s easy to get off and get down at the same time. Plug this vibrator in to your iPod or iPhone and get busy. I didn’t believe it when I first heard about it. I still kinda don’t get it. Don’t we prefer our vibrators cord-free? This reminds me of the old days, you know, before vibrators were cordless. Do the people at Apple know about this?

http://www.ohmibod.com/

The coolest reusable shopping bags I’ve ever seen. Wish I would have ordered a bunch to give as gifts. That’s how I got mine, from a clever friend.

http://www.envirosax.com/

Independent artists, groovy products, what more could you want?

http://www.elsewares.com/commerce/index.php

When you’re not being selfish, buy goats, chickens or trees for families around the world. My whole family loves this organization, psssst Mom, guess what you’re getting this year?

http://www.heifer.org/

http://www.korwater.com/

Stop the plastic water bottling trash heap. Everyone of you should own your very own refillable water bottle.

Geography lesson and cute cotton tote bag in one. http://www.maptote.com/

Guess what business is doing better now than it has all year?

That’s right, while the rest of us are tightening our belts, strippers are tossing theirs off in celebration. And maybe it’s their turn. To hang out with more unemployed, down on their luck guys than ever.

Perverse isn’t it? A tawdry career choice can withstand the crappy economy and even benefit. Seems bouncing boobs really are comforting in times of trouble.

If more men are at the strip clubs, where are women and how are we amusing ourselves? Clipping coupons and shopping at Walmart, sheesh I hope not. It will be interesting to see what industries survive and even prosper in this icky economy.

So what about all the stripper poles at home? In LA there’s a popular class where women go and learn to dance just like a tart. http://www.sfactor.com/ I never was sure how you’d explain that stripper pole in your bedroom, to your kids or parents. But now at least it’s thrifty.

Save money, strip at home.

And all the other names Greys Anatomy has come up with for our lady parts. Last season it was the popular Vajayjay, even you know who was using it, everyday it seemed like. I think she’s swell, but it started to feel overused. Sorry Oprah.

My favorite was LadyTown. It seemed like a real destination, a place so superb, only the most special and well behaved guests would get invited back. Okay, maybe that was my own interpretation.

In college a girlfriend used the name Cooter. Fun for awhile but too hilarious. It lacked respect, but it still cracks me up. You can say it a zillion different ways without ever sounding like a porn star. And really, isn’t that what we all want.

My mom has a chicken, we’re southern if it makes more sense. Other mothers have hobbies, boyfriends or Cadillacs. But we always have to be different. Her name is Hazel, the chicken not my mom. And she sounds pretty sassy, for poultry. When I asked for her photo I get “Hazel doesn’t like to stand still” my mom says it won’t be easy, this chicken is camera-shy. “Hazel this” and “Hazel that”, my sister and I have been replaced.

I want some details about where she came from and who she belongs to. My mom is more than happy to believe Hazel was destined to be hers. Along with the crazy old run-down family farmhouse she and my cousin Jane just inherited. It’s in the middle of nowhere in Oklahoma. In a town so tiny, there is only one restaurant. Pie is .75 a slice. In a place where pie is cheap, chickens are too apparently. The previous owners won’t be putting up “Lost Dinner” fliers so Hazel is safe. May I suggest a collar with her name and address just in case she gets restless again.

Thank you Christina!

Life is Short. Have an affair. What a hideous tagline. And I wish it was just a joke. But it’s the site for people looking to meet and cheat. It’s called Ashley Madison, sweet name huh. Laura Ashley dresses meet Dolly Madison baked treats? WTF. They had an ad on the radio that was just too ridiculous to believe. I’ve heard the guy that started the company interviewed, he says he doesn’t encourage cheating. He just makes a shitload of cash from the losers that do indulge.

Am I the only one that feels nauseous about the whole thing? I’m sick the site exists, and that there’s a market for it. Who knew trampy tramps were so organized. Last I heard, life is too short to be in a lousy relationship. But these days what? Life is so short, save time by fucking around.

I checked the site out for myself. The tacky promo shot below is one of several just like it, you know the type. So maybe I’m naive, but I was surprised real people show their faces. Seems they don’t even worry about getting caught. This cats outta the bag. And into the bed. I’m going to go throw up now.

You know, the one person you’re allowed to cheat with if ever given the chance. All pre-arranged and approved up front, with your partner. Anything goes for a full 24 hours. Who do you wanna do? Then after, no punishment or pouting. Please don’t judge, but I have this major thing for Jerry Seinfeld. Funny is sexy. And he has all those cool cars.

Who’s yours? If you don’t have one already, now’s your chance.

I _____(your name here)____ am completely allowed to get it on with ____(insert flings name here)___.

Sign and date here _______________________________

(notarize if you must and hope for the best)