Is it just me?

I don’t hate Facebook now as much as I did at first.

But one thing I still can’t stand….when people that you haven’t spoken to in years “friend” you with absolutely no message. I’m not Emily Post, but that’s just odd. I added a friend that I hadn’t spoken to since elementary school, noticed she was a friend of a girl I have kept in touch with. So of course, it’s been um, like 30 years so I include a brief Hello hope all is well, sort of thing. She must have clicked “Yes I will accept you but don’t expect any response or actual communicating.”

Then a girlfriend I liked a lot, but lost touch with 10 years ago looks me up and friends me out of the blue. I was happy but confused. No hello, no message, no nothing. After a few weeks I decide to email her Hey, good to hear from you, how’s it going. I get not even a response. So she looked me up, clicked “let’s be friends”. Only to never actually be in touch. No thanks.

Yes, people are weird. People I know. Of course it’s not like we’re friends or anything.

My mom called me from her shiny new iPhone yesterday. 

So now I’m officially the only person I know without one. I was patiently waiting with my cardboard phone, til this month to upgrade. And now that it’s do-able, I can’t be bothered. Seems everyone has one, even my mom, so it’s not that special anymore. She’s always been kinda cool, for a mom, but how uncool does that make me. To be out iPhoned by my own mother.

But it has been rather warm in Santa Monica. 

Last weeks 20/20 offered another economic eye opener, you can buy anything online. Okay I knew that, but thought prostitution was only on street corners and Craigslist.

On a site called SeekingArrangement.com, women post trampy profiles with financial requirements and the rich dudes take their pick. They call it an “arrangement” cause it sounds nicer than Cash for Cooters.

The rich old guy in the story with a delightful grey ponytail was more than happy to brag about how well it works. He’s busy making millions and doesn’t have time for real dates, he likes a sure thing. He sounds so pragmatic about it all as they happily go on their fancy dinner dates. He even thinks his beloved Trampalicious might actually like him no matter what. Cut to his skank who sucks it for money…Um no, if he loses his cash, she says she’s out.

But I can find the good in any crappy situation….on the dates there would be some perverse relief, you always have to like the guy. He’s paying you, so you simply sit back and smile, pretending he’s the one. No pesky wondering if he likes dogs or enjoys hiking.

Of course it’s what comes after dinner that makes me sorta nauseous. The guy gets a sure thing. The women, condos and cars.

I’m so naive, last time I slept with a man for money it was called marriage.

At first I felt weird about paying someone to clean my apartment. Now I can’t imagine life without her. Recommended by a good friend, and 3 visits later, I’m sold.

I admit it, I’m a bit of a piggy. Not the kind of mess you’d notice, but the serious scrubbing and big time dusting stuff, I dread doing it. I’ve got shelves of books and tiny collectibles I had never cleaned. And never would have.

She took care of all that yesterday. But it had been 2 months since her last visit, it was bad. Let’s just say, no one should have gone in my shower. So of course I became one of those freaks who cleans up before the professional. I was embarrassed for her to see how I had let things go.

I know she needs the work, so of course I’ve recommended her to friends. Seems it’s one of those expenses lots of people are cutting back on. So many other luxuries I’m willing to give up, not my monthly Vicki.

A girl I worked with years ago at another ad agency got laid off recently. She was not very nice. And it’s not just me.

Of course I know it’s rough out there, and layoffs are no joke. But when her frenemies heard, all we thought was, GOOD. We were in a meeting when the news came up, and went around the table each telling of a time she was mean to us.

She was a C U Next Tuesday for sure. Known for playing high and mighty and snip-snapping with everyone, I always wondered how she didn’t get fired. Even now, out on the streets, needing job leads, she hasn’t changed much. She sent an email out to contacts in her Linked In network asking for help. Er…demanding it really.

This is how she started her email. Seriously.

“According to Linked In, I’m connected to over 3 million people through my own connections. Please take a short moment to divert your attention from your daily duties and brainstorm with me on my job search.”

Um…told you.

*Lesson learned from the unemployed bitch kitty: Be nice. It’s never too late to start. When asking for help, do it in such a way that people might actually want to help you.

Car memorials they’re called, have y’all seen these? Stickers on the back windows of cars, memorializing some poor dead person.

The first time I saw one I thought maybe the person actually died in the car. Laid down for a nap and just never woke up. That might make sense.

I just don’t get it. Lets take death, tragic and sacred, and turn our grief into a bumper sticker. I loved little Jimmy so much, I’d like to tell the world, on my filthy car window. I’ve heard some even have a photo. Creepy.

Ever heard of Foreskin Restoration? Me neither until just recently. And it’s every bit as weird as it sounds.

Once you were sans turtleneck, I thought that was it. Turns out some guys are pissed and want their sweater back. Sounds like surgery, right? Nope, the three suggested methods are weights, elastics and cones. Convenient for you do-it-yourselfers, these are at home projects. Or you can buy some creepy products already made for the job called “Foreballs” and “the Tugger.” Seriously.

http://www.norm.org/

This might be a real concern for someone somewhere, but really? Wearing weights or tape to stretch the penis skin back out? I can’t even imagine being the partner of the guy doing this.

While laughing about this with my sister, she told me about fake dog balls. That’s right. Plastic balls that get inserted at neutering. Why? To look like real balls of course. So the other dogs won’t laugh.

http://www.neuticles.com/

Group lunch at a Japanese market makes my Asian bosses positively giddy. But wait, there’s no pizza, salad or sandwiches. uh-oh. Instead of real food we all get bowls of soupy noodles with two skinny sticks and a big spoon, oh please. I work hard to get some of it in my mouth with the over-sized plastic spoon, ya know the kind kids use for cough syrup. It was exhausting chasing the food around while trying not to splash soup all over myself. Afterwards I’m still hungry and I only feel taunted. Emergency pb&j would sure come in handy about now.

Moral of this story: There’s a reason that forks resemble cute little shovels. Chopsticks? Just another food prank thought up by a cranky anorexic.

Red velvet cake, turkey burgers and grilled cheese, never gonna happen. Must be why they’re all so tiny. Eating with only sticks, you’ll never get fat. The Chopstick Diet, could be the next big thing.

It’s big, shiny and out for blood. And a little humiliation too. As in scram, you’ve been dumped. You’ve got 2 hours to pack all your shit up and hit the road. See ya.

Lay-offs are rumored to be happening where I work and the waiting is no fun. It’s all out of our control but of course we sit around and stress over who’s gonna get it. Or not. Plenty of my friends have already been laid off or just can’t find work, so at least I’ll be in good company. It won’t be as embarassing to ask “paper or plastic” as it would have been a year ago. Oh wait, even the crappy jobs aren’t hiring so the bottom you could always sorta depend on, as in “Oh I can always pimp coffee at Starbucks if I have to” is now just a nonexistent bad job dream.

But do it already would ya? If you’re breaking up with me, please get it over with. Cause the torture of not knowing is making us all a little more insane than usual. And lots of hours are being wasted in the meantime talking about who it might be. Could be the guy that takes all the time off, or the new girl that no one really likes? You don’t want it to be anyone, so maybe we just take huge pay cuts and all stay? It’s a hideous bargain, that none of us want to happen, but we need it to. So we can get back to our comfortable everyday level of anxiety and chaos.