I can be nice

We were practically sisters. Both from Texas, and our February birthdays were only 1 day apart.

As a young girl I hoped that maybe we were really related and my hair would eventually grow to look just like hers. And Jacklyn Smith and Kate Jackson would have been our best friends. In my mind, I was the forgotten but best, 4th angel.

Then she chose roles in the 80’s that got conversations started and shed light on violence against women.

And she bravely went public with her long painful struggle with cancer.

Okay, so she was a Superstar Bad ass, we had nothing in common, I see that now. We probably didn’t even use the same hair products.

It was easy to love the idea that Farrah and Ryan would finally get married after years of being together on and off. Must be that 12-year old girl in each of us, still always hoping for a happy ending.

My friend DJ teaches 5th grade and asked me to speak at their Career day. I offered cause I figured they would have plenty more successful careerists than me. I mean, I knew it was a good idea but I kinda suck at public speaking so I was hoping not to do it. Oh but of course that means I had to do it.

And I loved it. Turns out, talking to a group of small people is easy. And this audience appreciated my whole not-your-typical college experience. It was nice, admitting to a room full of strangers that I had no real career plan. That I went to college later and had 3 part time jobs. That I like what I do now, I like wearing jeans everyday and coming in late, but discovered it only by accident. And mostly, that things really do evolve and turn out exactly the way they are supposed to.

Oh sure, I was tempted to be really honest and say Sex Sells, so get into porn.

One of the classes even asked me for my autograph. Yes, times are tough and they were desperate for any autographs. But to be fawned over and looked up to by a room full of kids. PDA. Pretty damn amazing.

And what a cute one he is. My nephew Silas Andrew.

Thank goodness he’s a fox. It would have been awkward to lie to my sister if he was odd looking. But I would have. You know those babies I’m talking about, they’re more interesting looking than cute. A weird rash, big ears, a fat head. No faking necessary with this one, he’s a real looker, and I don’t think it’s just me. The quest for beauty, sheesh it starts early.

Or is it? Wanting more, when I already have so much. Where’s the line between satisfied and piggish? How much is too much? All important questions for me.

I pay attention daily to all that I have and realize I’m blessed. I’ve gotten lucky. Things have worked out swell. I moved here alone, with no real career idea or plan, just “I like ads, ads are cool.” Got hired as an assistant at a great ad agency and dated a crazy good writer who suggested I try it. Writing it turns out, connected all the dots for me. Thank you G.H.

Now I live near the beach in a city I mostly like, have a cute new nephew in Austin to knit for, plus amazing friends and a job writing that I like. I’m guessing there are plenty of people who might want my life. And I see that, I’ve got it made in many ways. I don’t have much to complain about. Some days my biggest problem is that my bangs need a trim. Ok, I have nothing to complain about.

So I struggle with wanting more, asking for more. Because don’t I already have so much? Is it greedy to have all that I do, feel happy, yet want just one more thing?

That missing thing, and it’s a biggie, of course is love. A huge love. Not just an okay we’re in love love, I’ve tried that kind. One dumb marriage and several boyfriends later I know it’s not enough for me. I’m talking a deep and amazing, emotionally healthy, passionately connected kind of love. A true partner to share my life. To have a home with, a dog in the yard, maybe two. Totally corny but really, it’s the only piece missing. Everything else feels like it happened just the way it was supposed to.

I love to bake and knit. And the homemade crafty stuff is so much fun to give. That’s right, I’m good for lots more than just funny shit.

A good friend Jen, taught me to knit a few years ago. I knitted up a storm, then forgot all about it. My sister politely brought it up recently, her baby is due next month. Her could be a girl, could be a boy baby, needed hat and booties I decided. It took 2 days to relearn and I won’t say how many hours to finish.

Am taking up crochet next, right Julie? Heard a blankie is much faster that way. Just get yourself knocked up and I’ll make you one too.

I think it’s so much fun to give homemade gifts. And if I really cared I would have knitted. But I needed 10 quick gifts for the girls in my book club, and that’s what baby loaves of pumpkin bread are for. Total Dork Confession… I loved spending the day in the kitchen like an Amish spinster. Didn’t they turn out cute in the little bags? Thank you Micheals craft store, I only wish I bought more bags. The rest of you might be getting your loaves in shoe boxes. 

My mom likes us to go around the table at Thanksgiving and say what we’re thankful for. I felt weird doing it with friends I didn’t know well that day, so I’ve been collecting ideas since then.

Here’s just a few things I’m grateful for right now:

• Pecan pie
• The Jackie Warner workout video to work off all that pie
• That I’m tall and can hide a few pounds when I don’t workout
• A chin. Imagine your profile without it
• Good health. It really is true when you have it, you have everything
• Good insurance just in case
• For my friends, especially the ones I only see once a year but it feels like no time has passed. They let me peek into their married life with small kids and see that nothing is perfect. But it’s so worth all the work
• Chicken salad sandwiches at ChickFil-a
• My smallish family who appreciates charitable donations instead of bad gifts at Christmas
• My cute hair. Never underestimate its power
• A library card and love of reading. There’s no cheaper entertainment
• My friend Julie who gives me her Real Simples when she’s done reading them
• Trader Joes pumpkin bread mix that bakes up a quick tasty gift every time
• It’s tuesday and Desperate housewives is on tonight, I love that shit

I’m hooked on a show about a woman that weighs over 400 pounds. Heard about it from a friend and originally watched thinking hey, I won’t feel so bad about my six pounds I want to lose. But she’s so sweet and lovable, I got sucked in. Her weight is life-threatening so it’s danger and food drama from the start. Sorta like my life.

Ruby lives with friends in Savannah where fried foods reign. They all eat bad and have a hard time saying No. But after the warning from her doctor she seems snapped out of her food haze and ready to get healthy. So she goes from one extreme to the other, now only allowed to eat her pre-made meals and snacks. And that’s gotta suck after all the junk she was hooked on. 

By the end of the show you’re cheering for her as she joins a gym and tries water aerobics. There’s no swimsuit in her size so she makes one from a jumper dress thingy and you can’t help but feel bad for her. When she exercises it’s exhausting, since she’s just so big, but she has an attitude that makes you think she’ll get thin this time. I want to believe her. I want to be her BFF.

Watch it sunday nights on the the style network.

With all the fires in the hills of LA, living in a densely populated area like mine has its advantages. All weekend the ash was falling like snow and it was best to stay indoors. I got sucked into the continuous news coverage, both tragic and mesmerizing. Except for an essential like going to the 30% off sale at Gap and Banana, I avoided the bad air. No run, walk or hike. Only shop.