May 2009

The best things about these cards, you can make your own. This one I wrote about T.M. after our date last week. He’ll never see this so it’s ok. I really tried to like him. Until his details came spilling out in the weirdest ways, like he just needed to talk about her. Nice guy, too freshly divorced.

Never seen the show but after all the gossip, I’ve heard more than I ever wanted to about their crappy marriage. Let’s hope some of their cash goes for therapy for those poor kids.

And now for some common sense advice:

Kate…Let him go, you’ve turned into a witch. You both seem miserable. And you need to spend time on that hair, girl. You’ll need a better look so you can find a new guy to help w/ your litter. Preferably one that’s not already married to someone else.

Jon….When apologizing to your family on national tv, at least pretend to give a shit.

Especially if he’s gone all puffy.

Saw Oprah last week with the abused woman who shot her husband 11 times. And I thought “hmmm whatever happened to my jackass ex?” So I found him online, all 200 pounds of him, but oops he’s only 5′7″. And hasn’t aged well, he looks way older than our 8-year age difference. Girls really used to dig him. Wow, how times have changed.

We haven’t been in touch for 14 years, since I left Austin. And I won’t contact him now, cause I love that he has no idea where I am. But I was sorta tempted, cause I think I look good for 40-something. But more importantly, I have a good life, one that I like. I know, I know it’s not a competition, but if it was I want to win. It sure made me feel even more grateful for how my life has turned out. Seems like it was all so long ago, me married to someone all wrong for me and very unhappy. Who was that dumb-ass girl married to the mean cheating asshole??

He’s still in the hotel business and moves around. Probably as he bangs his way through the girls in each city. New Jersey, Oklahoma City, Fort Worth, all the big glam-hotels. I have not missed a thing. Ugg. and Ick.

Oh how I would love to show y’all his fat face, but that would just be mean.

They just might be a girls best friend, and most reliable partner. That 50$ a year fee sure saved my ass this morning.

Monday mornings can suck anyway. But especially with a flat, on the inside lane of 5 on the 405 in traffic. I could feel the hate, as I created the holdup, no one honked or yelled but it was there. I would have put up a big “I’m sorry” sign if I had one. I was the fucker holding up traffic.

Within minutes I had AAA on the phone and they had a guy coming. The woman even stayed on the phone with me til he arrived. Then CHP had to totally stop traffic to help us get across all the lanes to safety. Nothing like standing on a crazy LA freeway as fast drivers become mad ones and go around you. It was weird. I wondered if I knew anyone that was whizzing by. Or if I was on the traffic report. “There’s a nice girl blocking the fast lane, she feels bad so go easy on her”

It could have been worse. After dark would have been dangerous. Or I could have been going somewhere really important. Luckily my boss is cool and understands this kind of thing.

If I didn’t have AAA no idea who I would even call. Who else has a truck with flashing yellow lights, can rescue you in 15 minutes, then change your tire with a smile.

No blow job required.

A girl I worked with years ago at another ad agency got laid off recently. She was not very nice. And it’s not just me.

Of course I know it’s rough out there, and layoffs are no joke. But when her frenemies heard, all we thought was, GOOD. We were in a meeting when the news came up, and went around the table each telling of a time she was mean to us.

She was a C U Next Tuesday for sure. Known for playing high and mighty and snip-snapping with everyone, I always wondered how she didn’t get fired. Even now, out on the streets, needing job leads, she hasn’t changed much. She sent an email out to contacts in her Linked In network asking for help. Er…demanding it really.

This is how she started her email. Seriously.

“According to Linked In, I’m connected to over 3 million people through my own connections. Please take a short moment to divert your attention from your daily duties and brainstorm with me on my job search.”

Um…told you.

*Lesson learned from the unemployed bitch kitty: Be nice. It’s never too late to start. When asking for help, do it in such a way that people might actually want to help you.

It always makes me happy. The way some girls feel about Barneys or Bloomingdales.

I like to go when it’s not crowded and take my time. It’s all stuff I’m going to use eventually and I like to be stocked up. A girl can never have too many lotions and potions. Or cute Converse jeans and t-shirts. You can even buy them online then return to the store if you need to like my friend Candy does.

Last time I was there my receipt had a survey that I did to be entered into a drawing for a $5,000 gift card. That’s a lifetime of lip gloss and flip flops in my book. Figure I spend maybe $100 there every couple weeks, so $5,000 would last me pretty much forever. But wait, they have patio furniture, wine and electronics. Oh, and books, diet cokes and workout clothes.

I would never need to shop anywhere else again. My mom’s oversized Target in Dallas even has a regular grocery store in one half. Pretty perfect huh.

Besides the everyday goodies, summer’s here so it’s time for more fake tan spray.

ohnoyes.com/stuff-i-love/inspired-by-denise-richards-and-who-isnt/

My friend DJ teaches 5th grade and asked me to speak at their Career day. I offered cause I figured they would have plenty more successful careerists than me. I mean, I knew it was a good idea but I kinda suck at public speaking so I was hoping not to do it. Oh but of course that means I had to do it.

And I loved it. Turns out, talking to a group of small people is easy. And this audience appreciated my whole not-your-typical college experience. It was nice, admitting to a room full of strangers that I had no real career plan. That I went to college later and had 3 part time jobs. That I like what I do now, I like wearing jeans everyday and coming in late, but discovered it only by accident. And mostly, that things really do evolve and turn out exactly the way they are supposed to.

Oh sure, I was tempted to be really honest and say Sex Sells, so get into porn.

One of the classes even asked me for my autograph. Yes, times are tough and they were desperate for any autographs. But to be fawned over and looked up to by a room full of kids. PDA. Pretty damn amazing.