March 2009

Group lunch at a Japanese market makes my Asian bosses positively giddy. But wait, there’s no pizza, salad or sandwiches. uh-oh. Instead of real food we all get bowls of soupy noodles with two skinny sticks and a big spoon, oh please. I work hard to get some of it in my mouth with the over-sized plastic spoon, ya know the kind kids use for cough syrup. It was exhausting chasing the food around while trying not to splash soup all over myself. Afterwards I’m still hungry and I only feel taunted. Emergency pb&j would sure come in handy about now.

Moral of this story: There’s a reason that forks resemble cute little shovels. Chopsticks? Just another food prank thought up by a cranky anorexic.

Red velvet cake, turkey burgers and grilled cheese, never gonna happen. Must be why they’re all so tiny. Eating with only sticks, you’ll never get fat. The Chopstick Diet, could be the next big thing.

Or is it? Wanting more, when I already have so much. Where’s the line between satisfied and piggish? How much is too much? All important questions for me.

I pay attention daily to all that I have and realize I’m blessed. I’ve gotten lucky. Things have worked out swell. I moved here alone, with no real career idea or plan, just “I like ads, ads are cool.” Got hired as an assistant at a great ad agency and dated a crazy good writer who suggested I try it. Writing it turns out, connected all the dots for me. Thank you G.H.

Now I live near the beach in a city I mostly like, have a cute new nephew in Austin to knit for, plus amazing friends and a job writing that I like. I’m guessing there are plenty of people who might want my life. And I see that, I’ve got it made in many ways. I don’t have much to complain about. Some days my biggest problem is that my bangs need a trim. Ok, I have nothing to complain about.

So I struggle with wanting more, asking for more. Because don’t I already have so much? Is it greedy to have all that I do, feel happy, yet want just one more thing?

That missing thing, and it’s a biggie, of course is love. A huge love. Not just an okay we’re in love love, I’ve tried that kind. One dumb marriage and several boyfriends later I know it’s not enough for me. I’m talking a deep and amazing, emotionally healthy, passionately connected kind of love. A true partner to share my life. To have a home with, a dog in the yard, maybe two. Totally corny but really, it’s the only piece missing. Everything else feels like it happened just the way it was supposed to.

It’s big, shiny and out for blood. And a little humiliation too. As in scram, you’ve been dumped. You’ve got 2 hours to pack all your shit up and hit the road. See ya.

Lay-offs are rumored to be happening where I work and the waiting is no fun. It’s all out of our control but of course we sit around and stress over who’s gonna get it. Or not. Plenty of my friends have already been laid off or just can’t find work, so at least I’ll be in good company. It won’t be as embarassing to ask “paper or plastic” as it would have been a year ago. Oh wait, even the crappy jobs aren’t hiring so the bottom you could always sorta depend on, as in “Oh I can always pimp coffee at Starbucks if I have to” is now just a nonexistent bad job dream.

But do it already would ya? If you’re breaking up with me, please get it over with. Cause the torture of not knowing is making us all a little more insane than usual. And lots of hours are being wasted in the meantime talking about who it might be. Could be the guy that takes all the time off, or the new girl that no one really likes? You don’t want it to be anyone, so maybe we just take huge pay cuts and all stay? It’s a hideous bargain, that none of us want to happen, but we need it to. So we can get back to our comfortable everyday level of anxiety and chaos.

I’m never watching the Bachelor again. It’s my secret shame that I’ve watched most seasons. The idea that 25 women are desperate enough to go on TV and say “I don’t even know this guy but I heard he’s single and looking so I think I love him” makes me a little embarrassed for all women. Well, that and the fact that only one couple out of them all, is still together. Clearly, dating and fake dating on TV with cameras following your every move is not the best indicator of compatibility.

But this last rush for ratings was too much even for me. There was the big finale with a faux engagement after knowing each other only a few weeks plus of course the corny jumping in pool with clothes on. Then the update hour right after, which was actually 6 weeks after the finale, where the guy switched girls. Broke up with his original pick and asked Miss number two for a shot. Now he just seems camera crazy and much less like the great guy he was at first.

That was more than enough, but then there was another hour on last night. In yet another update, we got to see the guy and his second choice still happy after six weeks. Wow, must be the real thing. So now we’re caught up to real time in Bachelor World. Cause I couldn’t sleep until I knew? Ugg. I feel dirty.